As the long awaited FIFA 15 has been released today, let us take a look at the types of gamers you’ll encounter on your virtual travels who remind you that there is no need to have any faith in humanity whatsoever. Nonetheless wherever your FIFA journey may lead you, be prepared and ready for hours upon hours of screaming, crying and self wondering as you prepare for you descent into the realms of EA Sports!
1 – The one with the kick off glitch
We have infamous YouTuber KSI to thank for this particular FIFA player. You’re just about to be paired online for your first match on FIFA and you’re ready to blow the competition away whilst honing your skills… only to go one nil down within a matter of seconds. You question life itself as you go on a never-ending pursuit of that goal deficit which you can never quite recuperate. To make matter worse, it’s been confirmed that the glitch will remain the same in the new FIFA 15.
2 – The one with the rage quit
Alright so this one may not be quite as bad as the first yet it does tickle your nerves when after a hard long fought 10 minute match where you’re narrowly ahead by 1 goal or even winning by 4 goals the opponent decides to call it a day and turn off their respective console. This in turn effects the amount of coins you win and in rare circumstances can even not count on your record. Ouch.
3 – The one with the headset
We understand, you’ve got the full works all in the comfort of your own home. A HD TV, a controller, a console, a copy of FIFA and a headset in which you’re prepared to either sing till your heart’s content or scream in until your opponent’s ears are numb. We do not want to hear your mainstream commercial tunes, you’re horrific vocal range or your prepubescent screaming. Leave it to yourself for now.
4 – The one with the Chelsea fan
This particular qualm actually has an option to be activated in FIFA 15 as the new and improved game allows you to park the bus… literally. We know EA are attempting to make the game as lifelike as possible so instead of fixing their stupendous glitches, they’d rather make it easier for players to waste 8 minutes kicking it around the back. Cheers EA, god damn we loathe you Chelsea fans!
5 – The one with the incredibly good squad
This rare breed of player only comes to life in Ultimate Team. You’re in Division 7 with your average BPL team that you’ve manager to muster up on the little budget that has been provided with. The star player in your team is the ridiculously OP Andy Carroll yet you somehow manage to get paired up with a team consisting of Ronaldo, IF Messi and Gareth Bale. EA, why must you do this?
6 – The one with the woeful internet connection
If you can afford to purchase a next-gen console then surely you can accompany that with some premium quality broadband… or not. There’s nothing worse on the earth than being matched up with a player who’s WiFi signal makes the gameplay reminiscent to that of a stop motion video. One minute you’re about to take a shot on goal and the next you’re at the other end with the goalkeeper ready to fumble a one on one! It makes zero sense and till this day perplexes me. Gamers who lag should be banned from playing online, unfortunately you and me both will forever be matched with those who can’t afford the blessing of fibre optic broadband. Right in the feels.
So before you get your FIFA 15 hype on just take a mental note of the players and games that lie ahead. Luckily for me, career mode offers none of the above therefore I shall hopefully have a rage free experience… that is until I realize Suarez is no longer at Liverpool. Nonetheless, whatever game you happen to be matched up in we sincerely hope you enjoy another strong 12 month relationship with the only thing you’ve ever truly cared about, FIFA.